There is no incredible insight to share today but rather two blurbs that may or may not significantly move along the storyline that I call my life.
The first being the anxiety that is returning as my “vacation” is coming to an end. For those that are a part of my “in-person” life, you know I had been in a very dark place and only as I began coming out of it had I started talking about my struggles on social media and beginning this blog as an outlet to simply get some of the shit floating around in my head out. It has been good for me, and ultimately that is all that matters.
The anxiety to return to work stems from a skewed belief that I am what I do. Due to the fact I consider myself a literal person, and one of the first bits of dreaded small talk when meeting someone new is “What do you do?” Now I have worked a wide variety of jobs in my life, and it always seemed the more “prestigious” the job I worked, the greater others showed interest in either furthering the conversation or simply taking the time to get to know me more. It stuck with me that my sense of worth depended on either what I did or how much money I made doing said job. To this day I know this belief is bullshit and 9 times out of 10 I could give two shits about what someone thinks but deep down inside I cannot allow myself to work a low-paying low-status job that would be fun or cool to me regardless of my financial situation.
This explains why when I am miserable at work, I tend to be miserable in most other aspects of my life. Currently I cannot separate myself from the idea that I am NOT what I do and if I am in an undesirable situation (like I am currently getting myself out of) that does not make me an undesirable person, or my life is one big pile of dog shit!
The second blurb is about a book that I am reading which is completely surprising. I devour books, articles, podcasts, and videos that have the potential to answer my never-ending quest for “why.” Most of the content I consume is the same information either presented a different way or simply a different talking head saying the same thing. Sometimes “they” try to deceive me by having an attractive female present said information while other times it is the alpha-male type touting a cold-shower paired with a proprietary blend of God knows what will not only cure me of all my worries but also add 6-8 additional inches to my nether region. I mean, who could pass that up?
In any case the book is titled UnF#ck Your Brain by Faith G. Harper. What I like about it (just under halfway in) is that it presents logical science-based information in an informal way and in a manner that makes complete sense to me. I am essentially being told that yes, my head is certainly fucked up because of trauma collected throughout my life, but because I have never been able to let much of that shit go, the symptoms that present as anxiety, depression, and the bevy of other issues I believe I deal with will likely dissipate once I tackle the root cause.
For some unknow reason my brain is stuck in the most basic fight, flight, or freeze when even the most minute triggers occur. I will rage if something I consider “mine” has been touched or out of place without my permission. I will mope the next day if my wife suggests an intimate encounter later in the day, but life gets in the way and it does not happen, feeling undesired and unwanted. These reactions have truly little to do with the situation at hand and make no sense to anyone involved when they do.
I have dealt with a multitude of shit in my 43 years. My brain is hardwired to protect me even though I live a safe life. Unfortunately, until I figure out how to let much of that shit go, I will likely not have the quality of life I have been yearning for all this time.