As I sit here this morning, smack dab in the middle of my vacation I fear all the progress I feel I have made will come crumbling down once I return to “normal” life. I still have one more week of a challenging situation once I return to work followed by a whole lot of change in a far more welcoming situation. Neither situation would be what I call ideal, but it is the best possible “realistic” option.
It humors me as I type this because I am realizing this is the exact genesis of a new anxiety episode. I now wonder if because I have identified it if it will evolve into a full-blown attack. Doubtful. It is no longer a surprise. I already know I do not like surprises. Surprises are the worst.
I wonder if my complete disdain for surprises has to do with my borderline obsession with order and structure. I am a huge fan of efficiency as well. Chaos and waste make me itch.
I am very itchy!!!
As I dig deeper and deeper into my neurosis, I then begin to wonder how much of me is broken, how much is common amongst the population, what is fixable and how, and how much is just personality traits that are not completely awkward to be around.
I know when pressed I have the keen ability to be the fun-loving social butterfly, I sometimes think I want to be, but that often takes far too much energy to sustain for long periods of time. It probably explains why I feel so drained after a day when I need to go into the office rather than complete my workload from home.
Perhaps it is finding that happy medium where I can feel appreciated for the unique soul I am rather than always trying so hard to be the person I believe others believe me to be.