Finding peace

While in meditation I had an epiphany, I mean a stray thought I quietly ushered away while focusing on my breath for all the meditation police out there. Since I have struggled to find joy other than the brief moments occurring as often as the changing of the seasons, I try to maintain a steady flow of unnoticeable melancholy. It works most of the time, but it is draining. I am called out on it now and then, but it is the easiest way to exist.

I have a fatal flaw of taking people for their word. People I do not know very well, not so much, however people I interact with regularly, there word is a legal binding contract enforceable by death if broken. Yeah, I know- a bit over the top in that mindset but I never claimed to be normal either if you read the version of this website circa late 2017 to early 2018.

This has me believing I am going to get a fat raise come my review and get some action tonight but not necessarily collect on that 5 million dollars the Nigerian prince is holding for me. The truth is I will likely see a modest bump in my salary but nowhere near what I was hoping or believe I am worth and well, fingers crossed but the reality of the second has far too many variables.

These two situations are perfect examples of future situations, fueled by the words or actions of another, mixing with rational and/or irrational thought in my head, to spit out an expectation.

Expectations are great because they give you hope. Expectations give the necessary motivation to give everything you got in hope that “promise” you swear you heard will come true. Then it does not. Then the emotional shit hits the fan and the spiral into depression hits harder than the last time it occurred.

Expectation is the root cause of unhappiness—or at least mine!

I read/hear an awful lot of talk about “letting go” in my readings and study. Is it the letting go of expectation? Is it in breaking the cycle of cue, craving, response, reward that I may finally find peace?