“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”
Masaru Emoto, Secret Life of Water

I received a notification today that my credit card has been charged for another year of hosting for my domain name and hosting of this very webspace you are reading right now. It served as a reminder that it has been quite a while since I had put my thoughts to words to share. Doing so, what seemed like ages ago, at times felt more therapeutic than the medications I take or the counseling sessions I attend.

I was very open about my personal struggles with anxiety and depression. I felt less alone when others reached out to me privately to share that they felt similar. I also felt like I had to post daily. I wasn’t working when I started this blog and was desperately searching for a sense of purpose. It gave me one.

As I started to feel more in control of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions I began to break away from the activities that allowed me to feel in control. Writing was one of them, exercise was another.

This tends to be the opposite of most people. Physical activity is said to be an anti-depressant. I was beginning to feel like my self-imposed routines were controlling me. Henceforth, I was sparse in putting pen to paper and even more exercising regularly.

I put on a significant amount of weight. I lost a significant amount a year or so prior, but it has returned taking up residence around my midsection messing with my self-esteem every now and then when I look in the mirror.

There is some upside, however. I am working in a job I genuinely enjoy. I’m still medicated, see my counselor less often, and am discovering interests and purpose again.

I genuinely want to start sharing again. I am rarely on social media and don’t have close friends I can simply “talk” to. I don’t hold shame in my past or present nor am I trying to hide anything from work associates.

I do hope in time I can find my voice again…


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