It doesn’t concern me if I am boring to others but I am boring to myself. I don’t know if it is the Prozac I take daily, my environment, or my lack of employment but my days have been the same for far too long now.
When I say that I don’t mean that I stay in and do the same thing day to day. I have had some great experiences and good times in the past few weeks. Big picture I feel I am lacking a driving force, motivation, and inspiration to grab life by the balls and truly live the shit out of it.
It is on me. I know that. I believe I can do anything. I continue to be stuck on two main points—what do I want to do and how do I get there?
I’m not just talking about what I want to do for income, but how I want to live my life in general.
I’m an introvert who craves social excitement. I am a strategist who craves creativity. When I get the opportunity for both I shut down because I don’t know what to do. The perfectionist in me is afraid of failure even though I feel I fail more often than I succeed.
I need to find my big picture dream— be it to remodel our home or own the Cleveland Browns. I’m so afraid of returning to places of such emotional pain that I have stopped taking chances. I’m playing it safe and safe is boring. I’m existing and existing is not living.
I’m going to change that!