I feel like I am getting close to discovering sources of inspiration but I’m not there yet. I feel the problem rests in that I don’t know how to look for it. I have strayed away from daily meditation. The desire is there but I have not made it a priority. That is my own fault. With my family home for the summer I don’t have the quiet time for hours on end that I did when they were at school. I either need to meditate first thing in the morning or before bed.
I also need to stop dreaming and start doing. I have recently caught myself spending so much time planning what I am going to do only to change my mind after hours of mental preparations have taken place. I love the idea of so many things but I am resistant to simply “going for it” without weighing every possible outcome.
If I could combine my dreaming with doing, I would be unstoppable! Controlling fear and a fair amount of self-doubt could change the world for me—and it is exactly that which is preventing me from changing.
I’m not liking the way I look in pictures again. I’ve put on weight. I don’t like it.
I’m aware given the big picture that nobody cares. Since I already struggle with low self-esteem it is just more fuel for my ego to keep me in a negative state. Me ego thrives when I am suffering. My ego is an asshole.
Akin to meditation, exercise and nutrition needs to become a priority in my life. Those two aspects are so important to my development. My awareness is there but I can’t commit to putting in the work day-in and day-out. Why? Seriously, if anyone has any thoughts on this I’m all ears!
My wife has a good job and a handful of side-hustles. I joked with her saying “I’m so much smarter than you yet you are raking in the cash!” She replied “Obviously not!” Touché.
In all seriousness though, it is frustrating that she is so skilled and creative that she can work a challenging full time job, tutor Chinese kids in English online, peddle makeup, and sell off Amelia’s clothes on Facebook without batting an eye. Meanwhile I’m mean-mugging the elderly greeter at Wal-Mart wondering if he is going to retire anytime soon so I can step into my next career.
At the very least where does one even find a side-hustle that isn’t a total scam, isn’t way overplayed, or has a greater rate of return for the time and effort put in?
Perhaps I’m not as smart as I thought.
Damn you ego again!