I’ve found myself living vicariously through YouTubers the last few days. I’ll watch vlogs of 20-somethings traveling from place to place with nothing more than a backpack. I’ll watch people working out in the gym. I’ll watch artists create simple pieces and give tours of their studio. I’ll watch guys with beards and people with tattoos talk about their passion. I’ll watch minimalists, spiritualists, and just about every other -ist. I’ll end my binge with an ASMR artist putting me to sleep with the help of a Lunesta pill.
I’ll do this to ease the pain of not working, of having no passions of my own that I am able to follow. I do this because I don’t have the motivation, ability, talent, etc. to do it on my own.
I’ve been collecting rejections from jobs I have applied for this week. Its taking a toll.
I understand why some people turn to drugs or alcohol as an escape. I don’t do either. Sometimes I wonder why not. In the end it is not worth the expense or feeling afterward. Substance abuse serves no purpose long-term so the temptation for me is minimal.
If its not an anxious mind preventing me from living my best life out of fear it is my depressive mind preventing me from lacking the desire to do anything to move forward. My version of hell is not fire and brimstone but rather when my own mind works against me and I can’t keep it under control.
My counselor believes when I start working again I will be better. I let him believe that. Employment is a trigger because I still identify my self worth based upon what I do. Since I do nothing I have no value. Damn you low self-esteem!
The worse I feel the more I want to isolate myself. Damn you social anxiety!
I’ve realized there is nothing anyone can say or do to “make me feel better.” My mind simple needs to ease up allowing “me” to regain control. I am thankful for this self-awareness that keeps me “safe.” I know the feelings will ease up eventually. They always do, its just a matter of when.
I wonder if I will continue to struggle like this for the rest of my life? I wonder if I will ever learn how to manage it better? I feel guilty for the toll it takes on those who care about me. I’m scared of how long I will be able to keep it from my daughter.
I wonder if tomorrow my mood will be completely shifted and I will be playful and excited about the upcoming week? I have no idea!