What a Waste of Time

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Time.

It is the root cause of my anxiety, my frustration, the reason my mind will keep running until it wears itself out and I experience a breakdown. It is the foundation for disagreements with my wife. It is the reason I can’t make a decision. It controls everything, and when I feel like I have lost control of my own time, that is when problems begin.

Time is the most valuable resource we have and we never know how much of it we possess. It is more valuable than money. It is the factor that makes each of us equal. It holds value beyond comprehension.

I’ve come to realize the importance in my own life, and I’ll use some hypothetical situations with my wife.

Say she asks me to move some furniture into another room while I’m currently using my time for another purpose. I am engrossed in my activity and am interrupted. I get upset for a number of reasons but its not because I was asked to perform a task she was either unable or unwilling to do. Subconsciously I get upset because I feel my time is not valued enough otherwise I would not be interrupted.

Say she volunteers me to help a mutual friend, again, its not that I don’t want to help said person, but that my time was spent without my permission or my input regardless of whether or not I had something better to do. Subconsciously it feels like I had $10 and someone decided to take $3 of that and treat themselves to lunch without asking what my plans for that money.

Not working at the moment, I am not trading time for money. I have a lot of “extra” time on my hands I keep myself occupied by busy work. I judge myself at the end of the day by how much or little I accomplished. In my mind, a good day is when I get a lot of busy work accomplished, regardless if I have moved closer to achieving my goals.

This is a pattern I am stuck in and only beginning to realize.

I’m wasting my life by wasting my time.

Scrolling through Instagram and Facebook for a combined hour per day is an hour that could be used having a meaningful conversation about life with my wife, coloring with my daughter, exercising at the gym, or writing a blog post that deeply resonates with a stranger living in East London.

I’m afraid to make a decision because I don’t want to “waste” time. I waste time by not making a decision. I try to control something I so easily throw away.

Perhaps it is figuring out what I want to do with my time that will unlock the rest of the answers I have been looking for from the very beginning.

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