When The Bad Days Come Back

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I’m drained—physically, mentally, emotionally.

I feel as if all energy within me has been sucked out. My body aches, I’m physically exhausted, and I don’t want to think anymore. I’m forcing myself hours past my usual posting time to get something on paper.

I have the ability to function if I focus myself. Helping to get my daughter ready for school without her knowledge that Daddy is having a “bad” day was possible this morning. I then took a shower and a two-hour nap.

I beat myself up over the fact everyone around me appears to be working so hard and I can barely keep up with the housework. I haven’t gone to the gym since Friday. I was doing so good for all of May. I’ve let myself down.

Why can’t I be “normal?”

I wonder what that feels like?

I wonder if those I believe are normal are just inauthentic representations they portray because it is socially acceptable?

I wonder if my mind will ever just shut the f*ck up?

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4 comments

  1. I recognize every word of this. For the first time ever (in my 50 years with depression) I have begun to wonder what neurotypicals feel like. For a long time I simply thought that “everyone feels this way,” and denied that I had depression. But now I wonder if everyone does feel this way and many just don’t recognize it.

    Anyway, I wish I could take some of the burden off your shoulders. I’m glad you’re able to give your daughter the priority she needs.

    1. Thank you for the kind words. It is getting easier as the day goes by. That’s a good sign. Ultimately I need to accept I still get these kind of feelings and not get so hard on myself when I do. Easier said than done though, especially when you are in the middle of it.

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