I had my longest meditation session to date yesterday, lasting just over an hour. Typically my sessions run anywhere from 20 to 30 minutes. This session was different as it was a very slow and gradual transition into a higher consciousness, and rather than having insights revealed to me, my take-away was the result of a conversation I had with myself.
I struggle often with the fear that I don’t know what I want out of life. Often I feel lost or that I’m heading in the wrong direction. During my lowest points I feel like a failure and a disappointment to myself. This has been going on for years, if not decades.
As I said, this session was different not just due to length but also what occurred during the session. In my conversation with my higher self I discovered that I receive such personal joy when I am able to help and guide others to change their lives for the better. Some of my greatest feelings of personal gratitude are when people tell me I have inspired them to make a change, or keep them motivated.
This became prevalent when I started my “original” fitness journey two years ago and most recently as I have opened up about my personal struggles with mental illness in this blog. I can also think of a few personal relationships in my past where I feel I played a role in guiding them to a better life (through unknown effort of my own at the time). It gives me a sense of personal joy thinking I played a small role in their happiness, even if it felt like it was at my own expense at the time.
I can’t say I found my “purpose” since I believe the complexities of life don’t allow for such simplicity. I do believe I found a very strong guiding principle to aid in decision making when I get “stuck” and am unsure what to do next.
The people who inspire me most are the ones who are authentic. They don’t mask their flaws for fear of being judged. They are not afraid to ask for help because they know they are not perfect. They are people who understand life is not chasing an end result but the experience along the way.
My struggles are not a punishment from God but rather a blessing. They allow me to connect with others in a meaningful way. Without them I would likely be even more miserable going through the motions of daily accepted social interaction.