Alright, so I have a fresh new week to play with. There are a few responsibilities which I must schedule around but ultimately I have a blank slate to work with.
That scares me. I have freedom yet I always feel like I waste it. I keep myself occupied with busy-work because I’m too scared to really start living. I’m afraid if I do, I’m going to end up in similar situations that have caused me so much pain before. Honestly it all makes sense.
I am drawn to minimalism and simplicity because I have packed-up and started over countless times in my life be it from changing relationships to job loss to relocation. I’m afraid my next job will disappoint me as much as my prior.
And, I don’t realize until I put these words to paper at this very moment these are the joys of mental illness that continue to poke out as I slowly try to battle it to submission.
I believe Albert Einstein is attributed with saying something along the lines of: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” In believing continued non-action in moving my human experience forward and expecting everything to change, I can essentially add insanity to my laundry list of depression, general anxiety, and social anxiety.
Then I remember a phrase I plastered in my little black Moleskine notebook. I swear this think helps me keep my head on straight. It says, “The past and future are merely thought forms. All that is real is the present moment.”
“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.” —Eckhart Tolle
In order to become the who, what, where, when, why, and how I want to be I need to continue working on the small habits and beliefs that I know will transform me. Intellectual pursuits will continue to nourish my mind by introducing new ideas to explore. Regular exercise and attention to what I am consuming will continue to nourish my body as I physically transform. Meditation and theological and philosophical study will continue to nourish my spirit as I continue to seek out my own truths.
This work as well as a healthy dose of patience is the only way to feel like I’m back on track. I need to let go of ego yet again and hand myself over to Spirit for guidance. It is the only choice I really have.