Hi! I’m Paul and welcome to my world!
Another week has come and gone. I woke up this morning with a small amount of anxiety. I felt as if I didn’t get much accomplished and I am not making progress in my goals. I popped my daily Prozac, waited for it to kick in (which is likely a mental placebo due to its longer metabolism than other SSRIs), helped get my daughter ready for Pre-K and sat down to write.
I like to force myself to get words to paper in the morning before I start my day. If I get hit with a burst of inspiration later in the day, great, but at least I am getting my thoughts out. It helps clear the mental clutter and more importantly it allows me to feel connected to other humans than just my immediate family.
When depression rears its ugly head I tend to isolate myself and push everyone with the exception of my daughter away. Unfortunately in doing so I either ruin relationships or send out an unfriendly vibe. When meeting someone new or interacting with an acquaintance it tends to give off an undesired impression.
To top it off, I have predominately introverted tendencies which makes it even harder to establish real connections. Large groups make me uncomfortable. Small talk seems fake and a waste of time. Low self esteem tells me it is less painful to be content by myself than unappreciated by others.
Everything is so connected and difficult to untangle. Years, even decades of creating a skewed reality is difficult to fix overnight.
Then I look at the calendar where I track my exercise. I have met my goals every day this month. I look at the Weight Watchers app on my iPhone and see I have stayed within my point allowance every day since I have re-started. I see I am losing weight, I can visually see muscle definition returning, and my clothes are feeling a bit less tight. I’m making progress there.
I look on Facebook and see the people that have sent me personal messages and have commented on or “liked” on the links to these posts. My words are impacting their lives in some way, at least enough where they are compelled to interact.
What keeps holding me back from feeling a sense of accomplishment is the belief I am defined by what I do and not who I am. It is a common question in society when you meet someone. “So, what do you do?” “I’m a doctor.” “I’m an investment banker.” Those are “good” people. “I’m a cashier at the grocery store.” “I’m a hotel maid.” Those are “bad” people. “Good” and “bad” aren’t necessarily the correct words to use, but serve the point my skewed belief system is trying to make.
I want it to be okay that I seem a bit awkward at first in person but am awesome when I can trust you enough to open up. I wish that I could be as open in person as I can be when writing. Perhaps one day I can.
For now I take each day as it comes, doing the little things which will eventually lead to the big changes I so desperately want.