Recovery is a Long Process

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Hi! I’m Paul and welcome to my world!

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I took my dose of Lunesta, watched some ASMR videos on YouTube, and felt the slow process of my mind shutting off and heading off into dreamland.

An hour later I was up emptying my bladder with thoughts of Hamilton (the musical) in my head. Two hours after that I was up again doing the same thing, this time thinking about a strange skin condition I contracted during a dream. Three hours later, the same, although I can’t remember the strange and random thoughts going through my brain at the time. I finally got out of bed just before 7 a.m. to help my family off on their day. They are fortunate enough to have a life outside of the home.

I’m feeling a lack of excitement today. I don’t have any mind-blowing personal revelations I am inspired to share in the blog today. I’m not excited for the gym. The thought personal grooming (shaving my head and trimming my beard) feels more like a chore today than a process I typically enjoy. Even the prospect of my daily meditation session which can sometimes bring insight already feels like it may be not as rewarding as I would like. To put it frankly, I am not feeling motivated this morning—and it bothers me.

It bothers me because usually when I start feeling lack of motivation it progresses to a depressive episode. Some are short-lived while others, which led to me getting help in the first place, are downright scary to myself and especially those around me. This time around I am aware at the first signs, but I want to be far enough along in my recovery where I have the self-discipline to stop it before it starts. Unfortunately mental illness is a tricky b*tch!

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Should I have taken on weight-loss and strength training while still looking for ways to generate income and working on my mental health issues or is it just my ego trying so hard to return to old and comfortable habits even though it took a major toll on the life experience I am trying to create for myself?

The problem is that it is so easy to fall into old traps. Because I tend to go “all in” with everything I do, there is not enough energy to be “perfect” in everything. It is okay to ease back into a healthy lifestyle continuing to make healthy food choices but I don’t have to go to the gym 6 days per week right now. I can make it a goal to get there, but I don’t have to right now if I simply can’t.

Here is where my low self-esteem I talked about in a prior post shows up. If I don’t give my all and succeed I am a failure. A failure to who? A failure to me, because I still feel like I’m not enough.

It’s so hard when you know better, but you simply cannot convince yourself. At least I am learning I am not alone. At least I can understand this is all part of the long recovery process.

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