Hi! I’m Paul and welcome to my world!
Taking a step back this Monday morning I noticed I have a lot more thoughts than usual flowing through my head than my “new normal”, and that has triggered a red flag. Nine days out of 10 I have my depression under control. On the days that don’t it is usually a result of dwelling on bad choices I’ve made within the last couple of years or missing aspects of my life when I lived in Portland, Oregon and Ann Arbor, Michigan. The main points of those are the people and friendships I had in those places. Although I grew up in Cleveland, I don’t have similar relationships since I have returned nearly 10 years ago.
In working on my depression I still struggle with forgiveness and letting go. While it may not look like it on the outside, I am very sensitive and I take things personally. I catch myself dwelling on people or situations where I feel wronged or misunderstood. My ego keeps clinging to that knowing full well my mind knows better. My ego is my own worst enemy yet pretends to be my best friend.
Anxiety is a bit more difficult to manage. Prozac takes the “edge” off but I wanted to make sure I had a low enough dose where I didn’t feel numb. I want to live the life of my dreams not a life in a dream. However, when my analytical mind realizes I am tackling at least two mental illnesses, weight-gain, unemployment, a 4-year-old daughter, and a marriage; it is easy to get caught up in the ego trying to take control and create even more chaos.
Starting this blog has helped. My ego wants to hide my insecurities and flaws. My ego fears judgement and lack of acceptance. My ego tells me everyone will look at me. My ego wants me to hide, to put up a bigger wall to protect myself. My ego tells me that I am so important in the world of those around me that everyone and everything in my presence is only paying attention to me, not their own ego telling them exactly the same thing. My ego tells me that everything which is “wrong” with me makes me “not enough.”
Not enough for what? For who?
In the countless books I have read within the past few months I have come to believe the past and present are merely thought forms, it is the present moment that exists. Paired with my belief that our experiences are our mental interpretation of reality and that makes it easy to comprehend why I struggle. My mind is cluttered, and ultimately that is what is holding me back.